When I open my eyes to the sound of some old crooner on the radio, my breath catches at the sight of these unfamiliar surroundings. And then, as my eyes adjust to the dim light, I realize where I am and why I’m here. I tilt my head to the right and see Autumn lying beside me, hands clasped over her chest, eyes open and staring at the ceiling. She turns her face to meet mine.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Mmhmm.”
“How’d you sleep?”
“I didn’t. Not really. I couldn’t.”
“Are you nervous?”
“No.” She smiles and has never looked more beautiful. “I’m unbelievably happy. I’m so happy I didn’t want to sleep. I just wanted to keep feeling this feeling.” She giggles like a little girl. “I didn’t want to lose it for a moment.”
I laugh and prop myself up on my elbows, shocked, as I so often am, at how easy the motion is. It’s been months now since I’ve been this size, and still it surprises me. Still, I wonder at the fact that this time last year there is no way I could have squeezed into a twin bed with anyone. “You’ll have your whole life to feel this feeling.”
“I know.” Her smile deepens. “How did you sleep?”
“Good. And I needed it!” I stretch, my muscles aching from all the lifting and moving and organizing of the past several days.
“Have I said it yet?” Autumn rolls to her side. “Thank you? For how amazing you’ve been. I know it’s been hectic and—”
“Stop.” I step out of the bed in Autumn’s childhood room. “You’ve said it, but there’s no need for thanks.” Autumn watches as I grab a hoodie from the desk and then sits up herself. Her eyes crinkle and water through her smile.
“What is it?” I slip back on the bed beside her.
“It’s just… I can’t believe it, you know? It’s Matt. By tonight I’ll be married to Matt. He’ll be mine and I’ll be his. Him and me. Forever.”
“You’re one lucky girl.” I grin, pleased that the words come from my heart, with no jealousy or resentment at all. “And he’s a lucky guy. Now should we make sure the other girls are up and start getting ready?”
“Yeah.” Autumn wipes the scant moisture from her eyes. “Let’s do this thing.”
The morning breezes by far too fast, full of laughing girls, curling irons, nail polish, and more makeup than I’ve ever seen in one place. Before I know it, we’re standing in front of the photographers with the other bridesmaids and Autumn’s family, posing in every combination imaginable. At first I’m nervous and uncomfortable in front of the camera, as I always have been, but after several shots I relax into it and remember there’s no reason to hide behind the others to trick the lens into making me look smaller. I may still be bigger than them, but not by much. I don’t need to worry I’ll to burst out of my dress or fear it makes me look like a beached whale.
When Uncle Leo calls me over to get in a family shot, I wave his suggestion away, saying it should just be immediate family. “You are immediate family.” He raises his arm for me to slip under it. I do and marvel at how far we’ve come.
After the pictures, we pile into the convoy of waiting cars en route to Autumn’s wedding. I’m squeezed in between Autumn’s friends Eloise and Allison in the back seat, only it isn’t actually that much of a squeeze. “Are you ready?” asks Allison.
“Oh, you know,” jokes Autumn.
“How do you feel?” says Eloise. “Does it seem real?”
“I don’t know.” Autumn turns back to look at us from the front seat. “I just can’t wait to see him. I know when I see him, then it’ll be real.”
“You two will be happy.” Allison flashes her energetic smile. “That’s for sure. And you’ll have a bunch of ridiculously good-looking and fit children.” She laughs. “You’ll look like a magazine family!”
“I can’t wait. Faster, Dad!” Autumn laughs.
Uncle Leo glances over at her. “Not too fast.” He rests his big rough hand on the delicate fabric that covers her knee.
“I’m not in that big of a rush.” My own eyes water at the emotion in his voice and we’re all silent for the next few kilometres. “Well,” says Uncle Leo, breaking the silence, “you couldn’t have asked for a better day.”
“The heavens are smiling on you.” Eloise leans forward to rest her hand on Autumn’s shoulder as I look out the window, noticing the sky for the first time today. It’s bright blue with sweeping, layered clouds that will make for phenomenal pictures. The breeze is just strong enough to sway the tall grass along the road, but has no effect on the trees—a rare occurrence in this harbour town.
When we pull up the lane to Oceanside Seaside Resort, the parking lot is nearly full, but Uncle Leo pulls the car into the spot marked for the bride. With ten minutes to wait before the photographer has everything set up for Autumn’s entrance, my hands get clammy at the thought of walking down the aisle in front of all those people. So many of them know what I once was, and around people like that, it’s hard not to let their imagined thoughts creep into my brain—hmm, well she looks good now. But I wonder how long it’ll last? She’ll have to be careful, so easy to blow back up—once you’ve already been there.
I try to shake the thoughts out of my mind. What people think or don’t think doesn’t matter. What matters is Autumn; I’m here today to celebrate her. One person’s thoughts, though, loom constant in my mind—there’s one set of eyes I can’t wait to see me come down that aisle. It surprised me to learn Matt asked Rajeev to be one of his groomsmen—originally Daniel’s friend, he and Matt had grown closer than I thought in the past year and a half—but it also thrilled me. I figured it meant we’d see a lot of each other in these weeks leading up to the wedding. I hadn’t been wrong. This past week, especially, I’d seen Rajeev almost every day as we helped Matt and Autumn with all the final wedding prep. He’d yet to give me a sign he wanted to give us another chance. He was friendly and attentive, but Rajeev was friendly and attentive to everyone. Still, I couldn’t help but hope.
At last we get the signal and make our way out of the car, around the side of the main building, and behind the makeshift barrier that prevents Matt from seeing his bride before the perfect moment. The music begins and I stand waiting beside Autumn, one hand clasped in hers, the other holding firmly to my bouquet. When it’s my turn to make my way down the aisle, I give her hand one last squeeze then step forward. Everything is perfect. The breeze has picked up slightly, just enough to make the white paper pompoms attached to chairs along the aisle dance. The arch under which Matt stands is adorned with lilies and chrysanthemums, but their beauty is overshadowed by the anticipation on Matt’s face. He smiles at me, and I return the look before my gaze travel to Rajeev, three spots down from Matt. His eyes are locked on me, and the look on his face is a look I’ve only dreamed of seeing. It sends a tremor down my spine. Nervous, I avert my eyes from the intensity of it, but then return to his gaze and hold it, a smile dancing across my face, until it’s time to turn and slip into my spot beside Allison and Eloise. Even after I’ve turned to face the guests, I still feel those deep chocolate-brown eyes looking into mine. The guests are asked to rise and I catch a glimpse of my family in the second row—Dad and Billy. Evita, Melinda, and Courtney too. They’re all smiling at me before we turn toward the aisle as the music transitions.
Autumn is incandescent. That’s the best word I can think to describe her. I’ve been looking at the way her hair falls in gentle waves around her face, the flowing and delicate slope of her dress across her shoulders, the gleam of her pearls, for hours now, but it’s as if I’m seeing it all for the first time. Never in my life have I seen such clear and potent joy. I turn my gaze and Matt is handsome, to be sure, but what really stands out is the way his expression perfectly reflects hers.
When they reach the front, Uncle Leo embraces his daughter, kissing her just above an eyebrow, then passes her into Matt’s waiting hands. The words of the ceremony are the same ones I’ve heard at many ceremonies. I don’t know whether it’s hearing them from this angle, or hearing them without the bitterness I’d carried for so long, but they’ve never sounded more beautiful.
I’m so entranced by the ceremony that I miss my cue to hand Autumn Matt’s ring, which results in gentle laughter. I pass the ring over with a smile. The minister’s voice is deep and resonant. Matt’s voice is eager and excited. Autumn’s is a mix of joy and awe. A few more exchanges, a kiss, a raise of clasped hands, and my cousin is a married woman.
The day continues with more pictures, dinner, speeches, then settles into a mix of raucous dancing, drinks, and moments of quiet reflection between friends and loved ones. I’ve spent the last hour waiting for Rajeev to come to me. Every slow song my pulse races in anticipation but something else always seems to captivate his attention—a drink with the other groomsmen, a conversation with Uncle Leo, a dance with Matt’s grandmother. I put him out of my mind as much as I can and try to enjoy the evening, and I do enjoy the evening, but putting him out of my mind is easier said than done.
“Jenn.” I whip around at the sound of my name to see Billy sidling over to me, his limp barely noticeable now. “What are you doing over here? Get on the dance floor.”
“I’ve been dancing.”
“Not enough.”
I turn from him and see Autumn, twirling in Daniel’s arm, laughing at something. “I’m just watching.” I smile.
“You’ve watched enough.” Billy grabs my hand and pulls me onto the floor for a song that seems a mix between jive and rock. I’m twirled and passed from hand to hand of a number of Matt’s friends, along with the other bridesmaids. Three songs later, laughing and breathless, I tear myself away and step onto the back porch for some air. The breeze has picked up, and I rub my arms as I breathe in the salty air, watching the moon’s beam ripple across the rolling waves.
“Cold?” Rajeev’s suit-jacket is over my shoulders before I have a chance to respond.
I smile up at him. “A little.” I expect him to say something else but he doesn’t. He just stands beside me, looking out at the water until over a minute must have passed, and the silence makes me queasy. “It’s been a beautiful wedding.”
He shifts his gaze to mine, standing as close as we were that night on Mount Carleton, looking up at the same sky.
“It has.” He turns back toward the horizon.
I take a breath, close my eyes, concentrate on making my voice steady, and speak again. “You looked very handsome, standing up there at the front.”
“Thank you.” He hesitates. “You looked beautiful. Like always.”
I laugh uncomfortably, while feeling warmed all over. “Well, now maybe.”
“No,” he says, “always.” He turns back to me. “That’s what makes me nervous about you.”
“What?”
“That you still think beauty is this surface thing. This fleeting thing. That you haven’t figured out the truth of it yet.”
“The truth of it?”
“I know I have a different way of saying things. And I know I probably offended you before. I just… I don’t want you to only see your beauty because you’ve lost weight. I can see you like yourself more, that you’re happier with yourself. But be honest with me. Is that why?”
“It’s part of it,” I say, knowing it’s not what he wants to hear. “But it’s more than that, too. This past year taught me a lot. Part of it being that I didn’t have to be so unhappy, so awful… before. Is that what you mean?”
“What if you put the weight back on?”
“I won’t,” I say, probably too quickly.
He smiles. “And I hope you don’t. For health’s sake. But what if you did? Or what if you put twenty back on? Would you still be the person you seem to be now?”
My throat feels thick and full. Why this matters to him, I’m not sure. “I don’t know. I hope not. I was so angry before. Bitter. And I do still struggle with those thoughts sometimes.” I shrug my shoulders. “A hard habit to break. I thought that was because of my weight, but I know now it was largely just because of me.”
He nods again. “I want you to know and believe that I thought you were beautiful that first night I saw you at Daniel’s party.”
I stifle a laugh, the notion seems unbelievable.
“You don’t believe me.” He shakes his head. “I did. To be honest, it was mostly your eyes that captivated me. They held a sadness I recognized and knew didn’t have to be there—like my Father’s—but they held strength too. You started talking about your new job, and I could sense your family was shocked and sceptical, but you had this rebellion in your voice. This determination to defy expectation. It was a flame,” he laughs, “and like a moth, I was drawn to it.”
“Really?” I can’t think of anything better to say.
He laughs again. “Really.”
“You would have liked me, been interested in me, even if I never lost the weight?”
“I was interested in you. Yes.” He shrugs now, with a little grin. “I’m not going to lie. I like this new look. But I liked the old one too. It didn’t take me long to see that you didn’t though—and if a person can’t love herself… Well, let’s just say I’ve learned from experience that there’s no way she can love me.”
I realize I’ve been holding my breath and let it out. He’s looking at me, talking to me, about the potential of love. And his eyes as he looks at me—oh his eyes. I lick my lips then purse them. “So—?”
“Do you want to go for a walk?” He puts out his hand and I take it. His fingers interlace with mine and hold them firmly. My skin feels alive. Every part of me tingles with possibility. When we approach the sand, I kick off my heels and he uses his one free hand to pull off his shoes and socks. We sink our feet into the cold damp granules and, in those first few steps, I get the feeling I’m walking into my future.
###
Hi, Charlene here. I hope you enjoyed this Bonus Chapter. I added it to the story after my first few readers let me know they wanted to know more about Jennifer and Rajeev. I enjoyed being able to focus a bit more on Autumn too, in order to transition into the next book, which follows her journey.
